I just got a job, but I’m scared to work. I’m barely keeping everything afloat at the moment. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I don’t want to do it. That makes me awful. But, I don’t want to work right now.
Daniel broke the king’s decree
Peter stepped from the ship to the sea.
There’s hope for Job like a cut down tree,
I only hope that there’s such hope for me.
Dust beyond my minds conception
and everything I thought I knew
Each word of my lips description
and all that I compare to You.
I passed .8K followers. Crazy. Thanks all ;)
My name is Samantha. I’m not okay. I’m blessed, I’m loved and in love, but I’m not okay. I have been sick with panic attacks and depression for going on 17 years. It’s so underestimated. Someone has an anxiety attack and thing that they know what it feels like. It is absolutely debilitating. It effects every part of my life and that makes me angry. I’m trying to find a good plan to health and I’m working hard to be better. I think maybe I finally have a grasp on it this time around. I have CFS/ME on top of it and most days it wears me down and that makes me angry. My back aches along with my head. Intimacy on any level is difficult for me. I’m almost always tired. Because of that I’m a very unreliable person. I can’t hold a job and I’m absolutely ashamed of that. Ashamed and embarrassed. A lot of times I can’t keep plans with my friends. I miss class. I can’t concentrate and a lot of times I’m just not fun.
I have a lot of things I want to do in life. I want to have a good job so Jay and I have the means to live our lives without worry regarding finances. I want to see the world. Greece, Italy, Peru. I want to travel the country with him. I want to make out in the back of the car like we’re 16. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want long, simply, naturally done hair. I want to be able to work out the way I vision it in my head. I want my mind and body on the same page. I want to be strong. Inside and out. I want to wake up everyday thankful that I have one more. I want to chose to be happy everyday. I love e.e. cummings. I want to read more. I want to take more walks. Feel the air on my skin. I want to stop being scared. I want to feel the Holy Spirit everyday. I want to see the Colorado mountains. I want to move home.
Because of what I want, I’m not going to give up on my life being that last paragraph. Because I have a goal to reach I will keep my eyes fixed there and do everything I can to remain happy and positive on a daily basis.
There. That’s how I feel. I had to get it out somewhere.