I can’t even view my actual blog! I’m getting frustrated. When I type in my url it just takes me to my dashboard. Has this been happening to anyone else? And if so how the heck did you fix it?
I know that most of our financial hardship is my fault. It doesn’t matter how you manage your spending if there’s not even enough money to pay the bills. And here I am, not working. I can’t hold a job for more than 3 months. I can’t imagine what my in laws must think about me. Sitting there watching their son be absolutely miserable and work at a job that he hates to support our family, and me just going to class.
Yeah I’ve been sick. My throat has been swollen. I have CFS/ME, whatever you want to call it. But that isn’t an excuse. For whatever reason I have never been able to hold a job in my life. Ever. I’m horrible when it comes to being reliable, apparently. I don’t want to be that person. But man, I’ve burned so many bridges in this town with my work. What do I do though? I go to class and I complain about my back being thrown out and my lymph nodes swell. Seriously.
So there’s Jay. 50 hours a week at a place that makes him absolutely miserable, that is bad enough to put him into a depression, and he can’t leave because at 24 he has to support his wife and pay the mortgage. All I’ve done for him is throw added responsibility and hardship on him at a point in his life that he should be enjoying. He got paid today and we don’t have more than $100 to live off of for the next two weeks. I’m resorting to cleaning my moms house (when I’m supposed to be staying completely away from her) to make some extra cash. He is so sad. So sad. I can’t help him and I have no idea how to even begin. I’m the one that has battled depression for years and I can’t even figure out how to support him.
I guess if I get another job my only option is to work even if it puts me in the hospital. Even if I get depressed again. It’s not goign to be worse that seeing him so sad that he doesn’t even want to touch me. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to begin to help. I have suggested working out because I know for sure that is a positive move in fighting depression. I’ve suggested spending more time with God, because well, He’s God. I can’t make him do these things or even want to do these things. I feel lost. Me feeling lost isn’t going to help anything but I don’t know how else to feel. He’s sad because of his job, he works so hard and even then there’s not enough money. And here is his wife, not contributing one little bit. How is he even still here? Why am I such a horrible person?
Further more, how does change start and how does change stay? I really can’t do this anymore.